Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i barfeds in our rink
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
