Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
