Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
