I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
