I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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