I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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