I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
