party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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