the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Randomize
