Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
