I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize