I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
