i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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