Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
