I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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