Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
