I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize