wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Don't EVER smell your tampon
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
