And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
