I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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