Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
