My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
