Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Randomize
