what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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