my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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