Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
