fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize
