you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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