You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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