I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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