I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
