I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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