Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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