I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize