I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
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