So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Im part way to drunk.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
