My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
