Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
