Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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