Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
