Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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