He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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