I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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