party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
