I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
