There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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