guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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