I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
