my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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