I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
