Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
