She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
