i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
