Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just had sex on a roof
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
