Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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