I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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