Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
